From reading your life, it seems that you are not in control of the relationships you enter into with men. It is usually a situation where you meet someone, and at some point you sleep with them. It doesn’t seem to be something that you have decided or thought about, it just happens.
The thing that I notice though is that it is usually the guy who decides/determines when he will sleep with you. Sometimes it was by force other times it was a situation where it seemed like you just didn’t really give a shit one way or another so, what the hell.
After our ‘talk” …
Sam is more important in your past then you have told me. The fact that he was in your address book 3 times is an indication of how important to you he was. When girls are especially taken with a guy, they tend to write his name a lot … on paper in books and as I saw in address books. You downplay the importance of your relationship with Sam to me, but the partial truth on this relationship ‘smells’ … you can be completely honest or let it fester and eventually act as a wedge between us.
You say you went by his house … you aren’t telling in fact how many times you were with him … at his house … at your apartment, and where ever else you two spent time together … the way you told the story made it obvious that there is more … it’s on you to clear this obstacle out of the way. I believe that early on in your relationship with him you spent a considerable amount of time with him … well?
James … funny, you never mentioned him as you told me about the men on your past. You spent a number of occasions with him, but he didn’t make the ‘talk’. What else is there to the story of him and you? How did he get to a point where he offered you money to have sex with him? And it is evident that the money for sex incident was NOT the first time he approached you … how did you handle the times prior to that? Why have you not told me these things?
As you go to this one’s house or that one’s house, do you ever think about the fact that you tend to give in to the wishes and desires of others? What if any one of these men had pressed the issue of having sex with you? What if one was especially nice like Patrick, would you have felt obligated to have (thank you) sex? What if it was Sam? Would you have resisted? Did you resist? Or is this what you hide?
In the course of the ten years, I assume that the one’s you never mention are the ones who were closest to getting into a relationship with you or actually did get into a relationship with you. You never mentioned Sam … I want to believe you because I love you … but I can’t be a fool for love.
If I have to accept your involvement with someone else, that is better than not being able to believe you … I don’t want you to lie, I want you tell the truth.
If you go on in this relationship, and there is a lie, it will slowly but surely poison the relationship. It will be there in you and it will be something we both sense. When you do finally share it you run the risk of destroying whatever chance we had at ‘till death do we part’.
All things done in the dark eventually come to the light.
Your love, if it is true, will not allow you to keep a lie without it negatively impacting us. The truth may never come to the surface, but every time we touch, kiss or make love it will be there and as time goes on it will poison even that for us.
And if there is not full truth, followed by forgiveness and acceptance, is sex between us making love? How can two people make love if there is un-truth between them? The person you lay next to is all of the things you have experienced, learned about them and know … but what if you don’t fully know someone … can you make love to them? Or is it just sex with a stranger?
When I look into your eyes, who am I really seeing? The woman who loves, trusts and respects me? Or perhaps someone who needs to control what I know about and how I see them so that I don’t “leave” them. What good is it to hold onto someone with a lie? What do you really have if you have to lie to hold someone? Really … what do you have?
I would rather risk losing someone then to spend a lifetime living under a lie. Worse, I would hate to miss out on what true love feels like simply because someone didn’t believe in the love they claimed to have, feel and want to share. These things I have learned after 30 years… I share them with you because you cannot know how it feels to live with a lie for 30 years.
I will be patient a while longer, I owe us that. I will not be patient forever and I will not relent, back off or just accept the bullshit. After all if you can bullshit me about these things, you can bullshit me about ALL things … you should want to get everything out in the open and “off of your chest” … this is the only way to proceed with a clear and clean conscience and with nothing “haunting” the beauty of truly loving someone.
If you truly love me, and I, you then we each owe the other the truth. In 20 years, are you willing to carry the guilt of a lie, a half-truth or an omission or deception? What do you really have if you cannot be completely open and truthful? It isn’t love … it may be a good feeling but it won’t be love.
And who will I be loving if the real you is a lie and the things you have done are hidden behind a mask of deception? Would you really know if I loved YOU or the woman you created with lies you tell? Think about this, do you want to live a life with someone who you can never say whether they love YOU or the phony you created by lies, deceptions and omissions?
I, speaking for myself only here, do not want to love your lies; I want to love you, no matter how much the truth hurts. For me the only way to really know love in my lifetime is to truly know who you truly are … no lies, no half-truths, no fears, guilt or regrets.
I really am a big boy now and I’m ready for the truth. Are you my big girl now and are you ready to see if I can love the true you, or are you willing to pretend for the rest of your life? If you decide to pretend, you really have nothing but an illusion … with the truth you’ll have all of me.
We can do this now or we will never have a chance to …
What I think of your past is not the same thing as what I think of you, now. The past has not been fair or kind to you and I am surprised at how well you’ve turned out. I can truly let you know that I don’t consider your past something to consider, or ponder since as I said, before me life was not dealing you aces …
My time has been the past ten years … and no matter what has happened, I need to know and I need to love you despite anything you may feel is too horrible to tell or admit. I am not able to say how I will react to all things, but I do know that now, as I listen to your stories and know that there are lies, I am creating much worse imaginings of what has been going on then what has probably actually happened.
If the truth hurts, I know that I will get over it once you assure me that you understand how it happened, why it happened and how and why it will never happen again. That is accepting responsibility and getting control over your life … to lie and avoid is to continue to run from your life and guarantees that you will commit the same mistakes again and again … you also run from true love.
Love me enough to be brutally honest and truthful and I will reward you with my undying love … this is my promise.